Deciding To Argue Effectively

Arguments are normal. In fact, they abound almost anywhere and everywhere. Moreover, they even come around the corner when you least expect them. However, whether you are the type who keeps away from war of words or the storm trooper, there are always suitable measures that may help you amplify your convincing powers.

Steve Pavlina, a widely recognized and successful personal development blogger, pointed out in his article How to Win an Argument, “The way to win an argument is to aim for a goal other than being right.”

Well, often times, the goal most people assume is to settle on terms to keep away with the argument. Compromise, if you feel like describing it. However, let me remind you that it does not always end up like this in real situations. Sometimes we act as if we have overcome a recent battle and that none of the two parties is affected, but in reality, we may have ended a good relationship, worse, lost a dear friend or a loved one, just because we overlooked some critical points that may have emotionally disturbed the other end.

The goal Steve is trying to point here is beyond coping with existing disagreement. It can be your goal on how to handle the situation. May also be the aim to understand the real motivation of the other person or party, favorable time to lend a helping hand if needed, or the appropriate occasion at which you are ready to give up, to mention a few.

"OK, assuming that I have a goal now, how can this help me succeed in an argument?"

“Good question.” Let me further help you digest the true meaning of a “successful argument”. Don’t worry we won’t be needing extra enzymes here. Just be ready to chew and assimilate the point.

Succeeding is just a bonus. The key to a successful argument lies in our ability to understand that an argument is not a competition, as opposed to what almost all people might believe. Lee J. Ballard has explained this very interestingly and I suggest that you jump to his site for further reading.

Once you are convinced that argument is not a competition then it is time for you to understand some effective ways to handle arguments.

I summarized here effective approaches I have tried, single or in combination, and collated them for everyone to study and understand. I am not an expert on arguments, but I found these tactics useful in almost every situation, whether in workplace, at home or with loved ones and friends. I hope you will find the guide useful.

• Be mature and calm at all times. Being calm goes hand in hand with being mature and is paramount in dealing with arguments. Yelling, for example, during an argument, is a sign of immaturity. People always seem to shout in arguments because of anger. This is unavoidable if they get agitated and become heated during a disagreement. Always bear in mind that anger will lead you nowhere. You will likely harvest anxiety and will not help you win a fight. Stay cool during an argument and it will certainly aid you.
  

• Avoid bad air. If the other person is in a tainted temper, you will not get your message across. Just play as the listener for now.

• Put yourself in their shoes. Arguing with your boss or bosses is bound to make them feel their authority is being undermined. So let them speak and understand their intentions. Agree when necessary and let them hear your thoughts only when called for. Instead of stating your views, try asking questions that show genuine interest. You will realize what I am trying to point out here once you become the ruler of the game.

• Make a plan if you must. That is if you can, write down your three main points when time permits. In this way, you will not get lost while listening to their arguments.
  

• Never harbor on criticisms. Do not talk because you want to criticize. Keep your mind open to issues and raise your concerns constructively. Avoid resorting to irrational criticisms just to keep others from agreeing with you.

• Use sympathetic body language. Cautiously embrace the same bearing as the other person and mimic their gesture. Though you may not say anything, your actions speak louder than words and can leave a lasting impression.
  

• Discover the other person’s real motivation. Sometimes you need to read between the lines. Your friend in the workplace, for example, complains he never sees you, but the real issue could be jealousy of your new job. Try to arrest fictional reason before it finds ways to transform into a "monster". Keep your radars open.

• Do not be afraid to give up. Yes, giving up does not mean you are at the losing end. It only shows you are a mature being and ready to submit. With this kind of disposition, you will feel more confident since people around will respect you…but why? Simply because you equally respect them with their opinions. At the end of the encounter, you will feel, sometimes, much better than the so-called winners do.
  

Arguing effectively is like memorizing a song or a dance step. Yes, it is an art, so to speak. It does take practice and patience to use these types of approaches, but trust me, they work like your favorite charms or amulets.

Next time you are caught in an argument, do not aim to WIN but decide to handle it effectively, instead.

What’s on your mind? Care to share your thoughts? Do you agree on this guide or you have other experiences to share? Feel free to leave your ideas.

Photo Credits: Sports and Marriage




Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion

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What Piggy Banking Taught Me?

Do you remember if you were piggy banking while you were young or growing as a kid? Think about it! Most adults have fond memories about their childhood piggy banking adventures. Later in life, these adults would tell children their personal stories on how they were first introduced to saving money using piggy banks to encourage the habit of saving. This practice continues to live on even in this time of modern-day banking, though historians speculate that the concept of a piggy bank started in England during the Middle Ages. It may come in different forms, classical or modern yet the principle remains the same.

Let me tell you my personal story then…

At an early age, I was told that if we want to buy something we have to save for it. At first, I find this a bit obscure since if my parents or relatives want they can anyhow set aside an ample amount of money to buy the things we always desire to have as long as we don’t cross the family’s financial boarders. Little did I know what they were trying to instill in us was money management lessons. Because I was so persistent, I asked them how such a kid like me could possibly save money and buy for the things I like to have. This argument led the way to my early training on piggy banking.

Alkansya is the Filipino term for piggy bank. It may come as the literal pig-shaped jar made from ceramic, porcelain, clay or in various innovative types such as empty containers from evaporated milk, baby powder, coconut shell, wide-mouthed bottles, a portion of bamboo trunk, etc. It has an overside opening to where the coins are inserted. Traditionally, it must be broken open in order to retrieve what has accumulated.

From the meager baon (allowance) I regularly received, I had to save a few cents for my piggy bank religiously. "Make sure you stuffed it up." My aunt Tintin even reminded me one time. Stray coins lying on the road or elsewhere, earnings from different errands and gifts from loving uncles and aunts also went into my piggy bank. Unspent money from my birthday and Christmas gifts likewise found their way into my piggy. It was tough at first but it always thrilled me every time I dropped a coin. In no time, regular dropping became a second nature to me. Days went by, only when the piggy bank got heavy, did I gather up the nerve to shatter it to find out what I have amassed after a long period of sacrifice. Then I spent hours thinking of the best way to make that money last. I wanted to get the most out of it. I forgot that the reason for this exercise was for me to buy everything I want. I was determined because I had a goal to fulfill. But then again, the goal was not to spend but to save. I think that was how I first learnt about the value of money. It is hard to earn money and therefore I just need to be mindful on how I should spend it wisely.

My inclination to save using piggy bank continued until I was ready for something big. Something for the teenagers, so to speak. This time I was introduced to the real world of banking. My aunt Isabel who was an entrepreneur and often went to bank to carry out various transactions guided me to open my first savings account. I was in ecstatic mode while I was telling my father and mother about the experience. They reminded me, however, that while saving brought enjoyable training to me I should also imbibe good spending habits and bring these lessons along until the day I mature. They even pointed out that with this wisdom I could not go wrong with my personal finances.

Today as I look back, I exactly know why managing personal finances have never been a big deal to me, only because piggy banking taught me many lessons I carried on while I was growing.

So if you are trying to teach your kids the importance of money, start with piggy banks then get them a savings account later when they are ready. Let them understand the basics of savings before infusing a more complicated concept. This is a great way of developing in your child an appreciation of the value of money. Create the “money-smart” attitude in your kids and watch them start financial planning at an early age.

Do you have exciting stories to share about piggy banking? Why not share them with us?

By the way, did you know that piggy banking also applies to adults?

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Photo Credits: Piggy Bank

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Learning the Fine Art of Haggling

One of our major objectives whenever we go to market to buy goods we need is to bargain as much as we can. I guess this is human nature in the sense that we always anticipate the reward of gratification after being able to fulfill this goal. But, did you know, there are effective ways to execute haggling in such a way a win-win game is reached between us buyers and the vendor?


At a very young age I was exposed to this activity as my aunt Isabel would always tagged me along to bring the basket for her while she carried on her buying routine. During the process, I vividly remember how she politely persuaded each vendor on the stuff she wanted to buy. And from here I learned my early lessons on how one can effectively bargain without leaving an arrogant impression to the seller. In fact, Tita Isabel would always tell me that in haggling, for as long as you do it right, one can even win respect and that this translates to good business relationship with the seller in the long run. In the local Filipino dialect, this relationship is termed “suki”. It means a regular customer, a frequent buyer or a loyal shopper. She also pointed out that one who does not haggle leaves a rude impression to the vendor. It is a sign of economic arrogance, she added.

From this simple yet remarkable lesson I learned from her, I am sharing with you the tricks she handed on to me.

• Never negotiate the price of an item you do not intend to buy. Bear in mind that this is unfair to the seller and to other buyers who are interested on the same item you like.
  

• Be rational and not selfish. In order to stay in business the seller must make profit, so do not make offensive discount demands. It will be easier to work with if the seller believes that your intentions are genuine and not just trying to cheat him or her.
  

• Be calm and polite at all times. Keep in mind that your goal is to get the best possible deal you can. Be cautious enough with your actions so that the seller will be convinced that you really are interested on the item you are negotiating.
  

• Do not forget to say THANK YOU. You are completely aware that not all attempts will be successful. It is very important to thank the merchant even if a desirable negotiation is not triumphantly reached. Most sellers will appreciate this approach more than an abrupt exit. This attitude will create an outstanding impact that a vendor will always seek ways to help you close a good deal the next time you come around.

There you have it folks. I hope this lesson has somehow convinced you that there is really a fine way to haggle.

Best of luck in the future as you practice haggling using these simple tips.

By the way, I have repeatedly used these tricks. Trust me! They do really work.

Happy weakened!

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Photo Credit: Haggling

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Cinematherapy:Is Watching Movies Beneficial to Your Mental Health?

Have you ever had a moment, at least once, asking yourself why you need to view movies from time to time? Well, maybe the major common denominator is people watch movies because they want to break free from their daily taxing routines, either alone or in group with friends, workmates, loved ones, or family members. Yes, watching movies is very rewarding because it is absolutely entertaining. In fact, it is not only entertaining but mentally therapeutic as well since it helps individuals maintain a psychological balance.

Just how does movie watching keep the human brain maintain mental equilibrium?

It becomes mentally therapeutic because it combats emotional imbalance by awakening both sides of the emotion. Remember? Laughter is the Best Medicine… We always associate a feeling of relief from negative emotions when we expose ourselves to films with comic plots. And for this reason we get to unconsciously and unknowingly trigger our positive emotion and overcome temporarily or completely the negative emotion prior to watching the film. What about movies with sad themes? Yes, they are also therapeutic for they provide avenues for people to cry which definitely permit them along the process to release excessive or transient negative mental detour, even if the scene or scenes which caused them to cry has nothing to do with their current negative feelings.

This momentary indulgence will, likewise, temporarily help people to forget their existing emotional conditions, may it be good or bad. In most cases the movies they watch will aid them depart from the real world by immersing themselves in the story line, circumstances or even with the characters. By further consenting themselves they can also at one point personally relate to the situation. Sometimes even locations where the film was shot allow viewers to travel in places they have never been, and that is unquestionably gratifying.

In all these processes we find ourselves eventually getting completely involved and we count every movie we watch as part of our learning routines. And as time goes by, these learning progressions become permanently part of our life experiences.

In today’s information age, psychotherapists are using films as therapeutic and counseling tools and technically call this emerging discipline cinematherapy. In the article The Process of Cinematherapy as a Therapeutic Intervention, Tyson, Foster, and Jones explained the process of executing cinematherapy and is cited at the cinematheraphy website which I came across with while developing this post. The site also pointed out that cinematherapy has many applications.

It can be used with individuals or with a group, and the movies used may address one issue or several. Therapists or counselors may assign a client or clients to watch an entire movie or a vignette from a movie. But, what may be the most effective way of using Cinematherapy is to watch a vignette with the client or group and then discuss afterwards.

History also suggests that cinematherapy, though relatively new, traced its roots from ancient Greek. This was eloquently elaborated in the article written by Cindy Jones at the History & Theory page of the same site.

Another article supporting the benefits of cinematheraphy was written by R. M. Dubuc. It discusses about how watching movies can improve mental health.

Finally, Dr. Gary Solomon, a Portland mental health therapist, author of “The Motion Picture Prescription: Watch This Movie and Call Me in the Morning.”... writes, "If you watch just one movie a week for the next two years, imagine the personal growth and recovery you could enjoy."


Afterthought: The next time you watch a movie don’t think that you are just giving yourself a break. Consider it as a therapeutic indulgence and an inexpensive investment to keep you sane.

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Adversity Quotient (AQ): An Emerging Determinant of Success and Superior Performance

The information you are about to read is a clip of the introductory concepts and principles of Adversity Quotient (AQ) developed by Dr. Paul Stoltz. Complete information on this subject can be further accessed through his website at www.peaklearning.com.


Definition & Concept

Dr. Paul Stoltz defines Adversity Quotient as “the capacity of the person to deal with the adversities of his life. As such, it is the science of human resilience.”

For many years, researchers have devoted a great deal of their studies to Intelligence Quotient (IQ) and Emotional Quotient (EQ), which are considered to be determinants of success and superior accomplishment. A decade ago (1997), Paul Stoltz introduced a new yet interesting & intriguing concept – Adversity Quotient (AQ), which tells how well one withstands adversity and his ability to triumph over it. In fact, more researches recently have shown that measurement of AQ is a better index in achieving success than IQ, education or even social skills.

By understanding the concept of AQ we can better understand how we and others react to challenge and adversity in all aspects of our lives. In fact, how people respond to adversity is a strong indicator of ability to succeed in many endeavors.

Scientific Backbone of AQ

AQ is rooted in three sciences: psychoneuroimmunology, neurophysiology, and cognitive psychology. They are its building blocks. Hundreds of research studies lend support to the role AQ plays in determining one’s ability to triumph over obstacles.

Psychoneuroimmunology is a field in science that examines the mind-body relationship. In essence, it studies the relationship between what one thinks and feels and what goes on in the body. How do thoughts and feelings affect the body and its overall health?

• Bottom Line Your thoughts and emotions determine the strength of your body chemistry down to the cellular level.

Neurophysiology is a field in science that focuses on the brain. It studies how the brain learns and functions. How are habits formed and what must occur to change habits once they are established?

• Bottom Line The brain is ideally equipped to hardwire habits of thought and behavior.

Cognitive Psychology is the most popular aspect of psychology focusing on the relationships between thoughts and feelings associated with one’s mental health. While there are many aspects to cognitive psychology, of particular importance to AQ is the research examining the human need for control or mastery over one’s life.

• Bottom Line Learned Helplessness, considered to be the “Landmark Theory of the Century,” explains why many people give up or stop short when faced with life’s challenges.

Measurement Tool

To measure AQ, Stoltz developed an assessment instrument called Adversity Response Profile (ARP).

The Adversity Response Profile is the only scientifically-grounded tool in existence for measuring how effectively one deals with adversity, or one’s AQ. AQ, according to him, is a valid predictor of one’s success, stress-threshold, performance, risk-taking, capacity for change, productivity, perseverance, improvement, energy, and health.

The ARP is a highly valid assessment instrument based on 25 years of research and 1000+ studies at more than 150 universities and organizations worldwide. Unlike IQ, AQ can be improved!

AQ scores fall into 3 broad bands, with an expected normal distribution.

Low (0-59) AQ characteristics:
• Low levels of motivation, energy, performance, and persistence.
• Tendency to ‘catastrophize’ events.

Moderate (95-134) AQ characteristics:
• Under utilization of potential.
• Problems take a significant and unnecessary toll, making climbing difficult.
• A sense of helplessness and despair arises from time to time.

High AQ (166-200) characteristics:
• Able to withstand significant adversity and continue forward and upward progress.
• Maintains appropriate perspective on events and responses to them.

AQ response is comprised of four CORE dimensions. Understanding them is the first step toward improving your response to adversity, expanding your capacity, and, ultimately, increasing your overall AQ.

Now, look at your CORE breakdown and determine which aspects of the AQ you need to improve.

C = Control
To what extent can you influence the situation?
How much control do you perceive you have?
Those with higher AQs perceive they have significantly more control and influence in adverse situations than do those with lower AQs. Even in situations that appear overwhelming or out of their hands, those with higher AQs find some facet of the situation they can influence. Those with lower AQs respond as if they have little or no control and often give up.

O = Ownership
To what extent do you hold yourself responsible for improving this situation?
To what extent are you accountable to play some role in making it better?
Accountability is the backbone of action. Those with higher AQs hold themselves accountable for dealing with situations regardless of their cause. Those with lower AQs deflect accountability and most often feel victimized and helpless.

R = Reach
How far does the fallout of this situation reach into other areas of your work or life?
To what extent does the adversity extend beyond the situation at hand?
Keeping the fallout under control and limiting the reach of adversity is essential for efficient and effective problem solving. Those with higher AQs keep setbacks and challenges in their place, not letting them infest the healthy areas of their work and lives. Those with lower AQs tend to catastrophize, allowing a setback in one area to bleed into other, unrelated areas and become destructive.

E = Endurance
How long will the adversity endure?
Seeing beyond even enormous difficulties is an essential skill for maintaining hope. Those with higher AQs have the uncanny ability to see past the most interminable difficulties and maintain hope and optimism. Those with lower AQs see adversity as dragging on indefinitely, if not permanently.

Note: The average ARP score is 147.5.

Responding to Adversity

At the highest level people fall into two groups:

A. Pessimists
• Consider any adversity to be permanent, all pervading, and deeply personal.
• They believe that any crisis will never end, and that it will destroy everything.
• They also believe it is their fault.

B. Optimists
• See adversity and problems as challenges
• See problems as temporary, limited, and external to themselves.
• Do not internalize issues, and have a ‘This too shall pass’ philosophy.

How to Improve AQ?

Listen to your response to adversity.
Explore all origins and your ownership responses.
Analyze the evidence.
Do something.

Additional Information

At the time (8 September 2007) I was collecting information for this blog, I found the following helpful figures online. I used these data to describe how dynamic the subject matter is today. I searched for "Adversity Quotient" and the results are shown in Table 1 below.


The results suggest that AQ is a relatively new topic with no entries from major online references. The exact definition and scientific basis are almost always redirected or referenced to Dr. Paul G. Stoltz’s website. This is interesting to note since it implies that Stoltz is not only an advocate of AQ but can also be considered the father of AQ and the man who coined the term. The major search engines, on the other hand, provided global search results figure ranging from nearly 7000 to 38000 & 3-16 on the local engine counterpart but, again, mostly linked to www.peaklearning.com, which is Stoltz’s main site.

Google Trend, which is currently used as a tool when searching relatively popular topics, also raveled no record.

Amazon has three (3) books & one (1) audio CD available in its list and are enumerated below, for your reference.

1. Adversity Quotient: Turning Obstacles into Opportunities by Paul G. Stoltz, Ph.D. (Wiley, 1997)
2. Adversity Quotient @ Work: Make Everyday Challenges the Key to Your Success--Putting the Principles of AQ Into Action by Paul G. Stoltz, Ph.D. (Morrow, 2000)
3. Adversity Quotient at Work: Finding Your Hidden Capacity for Getting Things Done by Paul G. Stoltz, Ph.D. (Collins, 2001)
4. The Adversity Advantage: Turning Everyday Struggles Into Everyday Greatness (Audio CD) by Paul G Stoltz & Erik Weihenmayer (Tantor Media, 2007)

Photo Credits: Adversity

All of this knowledgebase indicates that AQ is fundamentally a new and an emerging concept.

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